Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Announcing Clivchelvis and Melwen

Good crap. I saw this on Liz' blog and had to know what the children of Clive Owen and Michelvis would look like. Poor little bastards.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Who are your neighbors?

Last night, I was outside in the yard with my pups when some guy walked up with his dog. The doggies all made friends and he and I started the obligatory small chat and I learned that he lives a block away from me. He was really nice and was being playful with my dogs but I noticed his eyes kept wandering to my chest area...but ignored him because he was really nice and I figured he'd be moving along shortly. On the contrary. My new overly friendly neighbor stayed 30 minutes...and not picking up on any of the hints that I was busy. Not only this, but he keeps trying to kiss Bruno on the mouth. He is turning his blind eye. Bianca won't go near him. Finally, I tell Mr. Friendly that I have to leave and nice meeting him, etc. etc. He leans over to the dogs and tells them they are so beautiful. Then he proceeds to tell me that I am "just as beautiful as my dogs" followed by him grabbing my face and kissing me. Insert shock here. Then he took my hand and said, "Hi I'm Patrick." And then he walked away. Patrick was completely drunk and It was only apparent when he kissed me. I can't stop laughing. Or crying.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Happy Birthday Mom!

Yesterday, my mother had to say goodbye to her baby. My brother Ryan left for his mission right before her birthday. The tears were agonizing for all, but my poor mother was dealing with a heartache beyond what any of us could comprehend. I know she is aching and I know that this is going to be a hard birthday for her.

I have the most incredible mother in the world. For as long as I can remember, my mother has always told us kids we were the loves of her life. Her actions have never made us doubt that love for one second. Mom has always been there for every special event in our life...such as dance recitals, soccer games, shopping for dances, and she was even there when I got suspended in school for trying acid. Ok, that part is a joke...sort of. I didn't get suspended. :)

I was also very proud to show my mother off. I thought my mother was the most beautiful woman in the world and when it was bring your parents to school day,I would beg her to wear my favorite outfit with her pretty heels. I would always stare at her because I thought she was so beautiful. Vickie and I were fortunate to have 7 years of just the two of us. Some of my favorite memories with my mother were going to Pineview every Saturday to swim. I would lay on top of her on top of the floatie and we would float on the water for hours just laying there together. I also remember that she really loved The Carpenters, Barry Manilow and The Letterman and we'd dance all the time in our little apartment...and during slow dances she'd let me step on her feet and she would lead. Every night, she'd throw a record on the old player and we would sit in the rocker and rock before bedtime. We would talk and talk and then she'd carry me into bed and tuck me in.

I know my mother struggled being a single mother but she made sure I never went without and I don't ever remember wanting for anything. In fact, if memory serves, I wasn't very happy when she married my step-father.

My mother has always been my biggest fan. She always challenges me to be a little bit better. She teaches me how to love and about God through her example of how much she loves and serves others with no expectation. She takes a very active interest in my life and my friends and truly loves who I love...except those who've hurt me, and they can all burn in hell...how dare you hurt her baby?!? Whenever we hurt, she ached. I love children, and can't wait to be a mother someday. Hopefully I'll do my mother's love, justice.

My mother lives in my laughter.

Happy Birthday Mommy!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

This was pretty much me at the airport this morning...

Saying goodbye was SOOO hard. I'm a very sad little monkey today.

It has started...

Be warned. I'm emotional. The realization hit me last night that I wouldn't have many more opportunities to just call my brother when I wanted to. I called him had to tell him how much I loved him. I meant to keep it casual & free of emotion...
No dice.

This morning I received a message from him saying he loved me and that I was the best sister and his best friend. BRING ON THE WATERWORKS. Has it stopped? NO!

Anyway...this post was merely for journaling purposes...carry on.

Quote of the Day

In talking with a dear friend, we'll call her Fritta (to protect her anonymity) she was telling me about post baby nookie. Then she said possibly the funniest thing that's ever come out of her mouth. "Nookie was really hard before the baby because both of our bellies were fighting for real estate."

I heart friends.

When I Die

It would be really cool if my loved ones would bury me in this...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Why Being Friendly To Everyone Isn't Always A Good Thing

Don't you love that feeling when you know someone has a crush on you? It's almost empowerment. You feel more confident, you feel sassy, and most of all, you feel downright hot.


When the person who has a crush on you looks a little something like this...
oh yeah...and she's a WOMAN!!!

Britta's neighbor loves me. Not only that, but my new lady friend has been to prison. Not only that, she asked me to make her more cupcakes. One time I gave her and her girlfriend some cupcakes but now I wonder if she saw them and thought it was some innuendo. They were beautiful creamish frosted cupcakes with 1 little blueberry in the center for decoration. I saw a cupcake. I have no doubt she saw a nipple.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

"Forget Michelle, Thank you for Ryan"

I realize I'm not the first person to have their baby brother go on a mission or the last. I'm just the most proud. Today was Ryan's farewell. Though I've known it was coming, the reality that he's leaving didn't set in until he stood up before the large crowd and shared his thoughts on prayer and his testimony that he knew this was where he needed to be. I cried. My family cried. I looked up and all 3 members of the bishopric were wiping their eyes. Ryan is going to be such an amazing missionary because he's an amazing person. I ache. I don't want to, but I do. The simple truth is while I know this will be good for him, I can't help but think of my brother and friend whom I won't see for two long years.

We had lunch at my parents house following the farewell. There were so many loved ones there from our past and present. Even some of my girlfriends who just like to oogle Ryan came. It was so great to see everyone. We felt loved.

The highlight of the day was when my lovely friend Lowder was leaving. She turned and hugged my mother and said, "Forget Michelle, thank you for Ryan."

Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Call of Duty

Britta's body is a wonderland.It produces the most beautiful children. Even if one of them is half Mark. I'm slow to report but I must share my experience with the arrival of precious Adalie. For months, Britta joked with me about being in the room when the baby was born because Mark told her he wasn't really good with the whole birth "thing" so she asked me to come in and help her out when the time arrived. I was completely honored. Britta is my sister in every sense of the word and I love her dearly and it meant so much to me to even be asked. Fast forward to B day. I got to the hospital and was happy to see that Britta's friend Clancy was in town and Britta's mom Bobby was in the room. Apparently Britta was trying to be wonder woman and go natural with her delivery. Admittedly, I had a good laugh with myself when I heard this. Not that I think that Britta couldn't do it, but I just know my girl.

Note: To all you amazing women who've chosen to deliver natural and remain drug free during your labor & delivery, I commend you...but I think you're a total masochist. No one thinks you're mother of the year because you've elected not to go the epidural route. Why not make the entire process a little more pleasant by numbing your downtown?? I think using a tampon hurts. I can only imagine how delightful squeezing a little watermelon out of me must feel. Not all drugs are bad. Especially ones approved by the FDA :)

Note 2: Britta's OB/GYN is freaking AWESOME. He was my buddy from the get go. Not an ounce of ego in him. He came in and watched Britta enjoy some contractions and kept whispering to me that he knows Britta will cave and then he bet me $10 she would ask for an epidural.

Sure enough, Britta came through for us and begged for an epidural. At this point she'd barely reached 3 cm. I love that girl. I sort of wonder if Britta had the whole Angel/Devil dilema thing going on. Clancy was the Angel saying "You are strong, you can do this, let me help you" and I was (of course) the devil saying "Drugs are good, take them and let Clancy help you"

After the epidural, we had a really fun afternoon just chatting and making jokes and around 4:45 Britta told her nurse she really had to go number 2 and wanted to try to do so before the baby came. The nurse tells Britta that isn't number 2 that is the baby's head in the birth canal. WOO HOO! Nurse starts getting everything ready for the baby and the Dr. comes in. Now...when Britta asked me to be in the room during the delivery, I assumed It would be sitting in a chair in the room saying encouraging things. I got the shock of my life when Dr. Neilson told me to get on her side and grab her leg. Clancy and I got on either side and each grabbed a leg. Mark was by her head...

I REALLY tried hard to look at Britta and not down at her crotch but seriously couldn't help myself. Clancy was the respectful friend keeping eye contact but I was too enthralled. At one point I saw this gray-ish small bubble down there. Clearly never having seen my vagina at this angle, I asked the Dr. if I had one of those bubble things. He laughed and said "Um no. That is the head crowning." Phew.
Britta pushed for all of 10 minutes before we were graced with little Adalie. I cried louder than the baby did. It was such a beautiful experience and I felt honored to be there to witness such a miracle. While Britta and Mark were holding Adalie, I stuck around Britta's downtown to ask more questions. Dr. Neilson told me he was delivering the afterbirth and did Miss-ask-a-lot-of-questions want to watch? Heck yes I did. Again, I didn't mean to be as eager as I was but I was just awestruck about the entire experience. I might have got my face a little too close during one of the placenta tugs because a huge spray of blood nearly hit my face. It was like Carrie when the pigs blood spills on her. Everyone laughed a little too hard at that.

All in all, it was a wonderful experience and the atmosphere was fun and relaxed and we laughed a ton. Britta, I'm sorry I couldn't stop staring at your crotch. Thank you for allowing me to share the experience with you. I shall never forget it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Guess Who I Got to Meet Today?


So, for those that don't know I work downtown at the Triad Center where Channel 5 and the new BYU campus reside. I was taking a new employee to the security office to have a badge made up and they told me I would have to wait 10 minutes. So I went down about 15 minutes later and I asked the security guard who was more important than me right then and he responded, "Thomas Monson" Oh. My. Well...Yes, he IS more important than me. He also mentioned that if I would stand by the elevator I would get to see him rushing past. Sure enough about 20 seconds later, the Prophet walked through the doors and he did not rush by. He stopped and spoke to the guy who happened to be closest to the door. He made small talk with the guy and then came over to me. Just him walking towards me making eye contact, I was giddy. He extended his hand and asked my name and I said "Michelle" and then he said "pleased to meet you Michelle, what is your last name?" (I believe he probably got a bad feeling about me and probably wants to consult with me later.) Then he told a story about a baby he blessed years ago named "Bucket" it was random but sweet. After he left, I was beside myself and I just remember feeling blessed to be near a Prophet of God. Usually the opportunity to see him is with 80,000 of your fellow Church Members and you usually don't have the opportunity to shake their hand. I also know that based on how I've been feeling lately, it was no coicidence that I didn't go get the badge done sooner. It really truly made my day and I felt that pure goodness that emanated from his entire being.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Love in the Purest Form

Okay, this is a very random post (when are they not?) but I had to share this because it literally made me bawl my eyes out. For those that don't understand how someone could live with pets (even after having pretty shoes chewed) may have a better understanding to the unconditional love that you experience with pets as shown in the video. Honorable mention to Marevis who sent me this.

Here's the story:

In 1969, two friends, John Rendall and Ace Berg, purchased a lion. At the time, Christian the lion was a 35-pound cub. He had been born in a zoo. The friends raised Christian in their London home. All three hung out in a friend’s furniture shop on the weekends.

Within a year, Christian had grown to 185 lbs. Rendall and Berg realized they couldn’t keep him much longer. But they didn’t know what to do with him. A chance encounter changed that. Two actors from the film Born Free walked into the furniture store.

The actors recommended a conservationist, George Adamson, living in Kenya. Christian was soon in Africa. There he was rehabilitated and released into the wild.

In 1974, Rendall and Berg decided to visit Christian one last time. He was now a wild animal. Adamson told them it was doubtful that Christian could be found. No one had seen him in nine months.

The two flew to Kenya, anyway. On the day they landed, Christian appeared outside Adamson’s camp. Somehow, he knew. He waited outside the camp until Rendall and Berg arrived.

This video was taken during their reunion with Christian.

Monday, June 30, 2008

In Memory...

Something really bad has happened and I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.


Monday, June 16, 2008

Men Want Me, Martha Stewart Fears Me

I totally planted flowers. I'm pretty much the coolest dysfunctional 30 year old living with two dogs that I know. First of all, I cook. Second of all, as of tonight, I plant flowers. "AHOY I'M SAILING!!!"

Scared of me being my own hot sexy housewife...who plants flowers. Maybe I'll go tie a quilt now....okay that was just sick and wrong but the point is I probably COULD!

Tonight Lori and I decided to have a last minute F.H.E. together which consisted of Thai Food and planting flowers. My poor yard is still torn up from the sprinkling system being installed and flowers helped immensely.

The Finished Product

P.S. I was joking about the men wanting me...but that beotch Martha trembles in my presence.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Church and Cheesecake

It's not everyday that we realize how blessed we are with certain people in our lives but I am grateful that today was one of those days for me.

Amy was asked to speak in church and so some of us gals decided to surprise Amy and show up for her talk with Amy's parents in tow. Amy gave a wonderful talk about Fathers and afterwords, we rendez-vou'd at my house to try my new cheesecake recipe. What better guinea pigs than my wonderful friends? They've been subjected to my cooking lately both good and bad but they are great with feedback and it allows me to try all those recipes that I always say I'll make 'one day.'

As we were enjoying the cheesecake, I had an overwhelming sense of happiness and felt the urge to capture this moment to remember it always. Of course, the second I get the camera for a snapshot, my ever so humble friends posed for the camera.

Mare, sorry you had to leave early and miss out. You were missed.

Happy Fathers Day Pop!!!

I just wanted to wish my dad a Happy Fathers Day! While we didn’t have a great relationship while I was growing up, it’s definitely grown stronger and though I give him a really hard time, I love and appreciate him.

Because he’s a pretty cool dad, I decided he deserved a pretty cool gift. A Beef Jerky Neck Tie. Now when he's hungry at church, he can just gnaw on his tie.

Friday, May 23, 2008

The War Zone

4 AM: I awoke to a lovely sound. The sound of my dog having an attack of explosive diarrhea. IN MY BEDROOM. I immediately shot straight up as there is no sleep deep enough to hide that sound and was immediately hit with possibly the worst smell on this planet. Bianca was Rambo with a different kind of gun. Bruno, feeling like he’s under attack, jumps on my bed as we both hear more attacks from down below. I jump off the bed in a desperate attempt to get the armed assailant outside, only to step into a nice warm pile of disgustingness.

!$@#%*&. <---- CENSORED

I flipped on the light and discovered she’d not only turned the wall into something that resembles paint splatter, but my carpet was now polka dotted as well. I hop back to the bathroom to hurry and clean my foot, while Bianca's rampage is still going strong. Bruno won’t come off the bed. I get the pup outside and start grabbing the cleaning supplies. Funny, I could’ve SWORE I bought a new bottle of stain remover. I’ve got nothing. At this point It’s laughable. I clean up the mess but the atrocious smell is looming…so I found the best thing I could to mask it. Pledge.

Bianca, why oh WHY do you wake me for number one but heaven forbid you keep quiet for this?

I love my dogs, I love my dogs…

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Cruise

Was great. I'll leave out the details EXCEPT the part where Dad snored like a beast for 4 nights. After two sleepless nights, my sister and I finally smartened up. Forget the fact that it was only 45 degrees and the wind was blowing out of control. This was childs play compared to what Dad was offering. Chantel and I braved the torentual cold and wind at a desperate attempt to sleep and went on the Lido Deck--blankets in hand. Apparently my little bro thought this was hilarious so he snuck up on deck to capture the moment.

Yes, it was freezing.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


I need them. I'm about to embark on a 5 day Cruise with my family to Cabo. Why prayers? We just found out the cruise line screwed up our reservation and have put all FIVE of us in the same room. We were supposed to be in two rooms. Unfortunately, the ship is booked solid. We have zero options. Five adults in one room is not good under ANY circumstances, let alone a disfunctional family. This has disaster written all over it. Have I begged you to pray for me yet?

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Today was one of those days...

I was in a rush to get out of my car and hurry away and all of a sudden my car is rolling down the frigging ever so slight incline. SSSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIZZZZ! Imagine this douche running after her rolling car in stilletos. Insert people's laughs, my unmentionable swear words and a near broken ankle. Lift emergency brake. Cower my head and make no eye contact. Emergency brake genius. Emergency brake.

Back at home, decide to let the dogs out in the front yard while I ride my bike in front of the house. Bruno shimmies out of his chain and books it. Bianca, my half wit, takes off with him. Thank heaven I'm on the bike this time. I'm notorious in the neighborhood for always chasing after my dogs. I kept up with them for awhile and at one point jump off the bike and catch Bianca while Bruno is born free. Nice neighbor guy offers up his dog leash so I can get Bianca home. Bianca and I start towards home but she's not quite sure how to run next to the bike. Next thing I know, I'm airbourne and then planted on the ground. My cute basket is ruined and I think I encourage Bianca to go run onto a busy road BUT at least there's no blood. Get dog 1 home and then start the search for the 2nd. Finally get him home.

No food in my house. Ah...I hear the grocery store calling my name. I spent an hour at the store with my basket filled. Then I start to get emotional and feeling sorry for myself. I ditched the basket and came home...to ants in my kitchen.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

A very small world

So most of you have heard by now about this crazy Ricin story that is making national headlines. Here's the re-cap:

Man in Vegas found in coma and authorities found he'd been exposed to lethal doses of Ricin. The only legal use for Ricin is used in conjunction with Cancer research or treatments and one of the most toxic uses to man. Anyway, authorities later linked coma guy to his cousin Tom Tholen who happens to live here in Salt Lake.
Tom Tholen is charged with lying to the authorities about the production of the Ricin. Oh yeah...and I used to date his son.

Its been about ten years since I've seen him. From what I recall, Tom did serve in the military long ago and I always laughed about his government conspiracy comments and protecting his family but I was also 20 years old. What the hell did I know? I am not saying that he made a good choice, by keeping information from the authorities but I know he is a very good man who had no intentions of ever hurting anyone. My thoughts are with you Tholens!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For...

The Mission Call

19 years in the making…19 years of preparation…3 weeks of paperwork…1 day of Dr. visits and 1 hour of turn your head and cough.

Ladies and Gentleman the call has arrived! This past month has been filled with excitement with talk of my little brother’s upcoming mission call. For those that don’t know my relationship with Ryan, need to know that we are the best of friends. You should also know that I am always playing pranks on Ryan. The last time I got him, I had him convinced that he was blessed in a girls dress. For the past few weeks, I keep telling my bro he’s either going to go to the Ogden, Utah mission or the Boise, Idaho mission. He hated it. Last night, the Stake President pulled my mom aside and let her know that the call had been released and that Ryan would most likely get his call in the mail today. Do I hear opportunity screaming?!? Early this morning I got right to work in making official Church letterhead, envelope and a fake mission call. I even forged the Prophets signature.
T scribble, S scribble, M scribble. Ryan would never know otherwise.

Fast Forward to 8 pm. My parents house was packed full of family and friends awaiting the big call. My mother handed Ryan a very official looking envelope. Ryan opened and started to read aloud: “Dear Elder Bird: You are herby called to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Burley, Idaho Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 24 months. You should report to the Missionary Training Center in Provo Utah on Wednesday June 25, 2008." Ryan’s face was devoid of any emotion as he put the call down and looked around and then everyone started laughing and cheering for him. He was clearly not excited but trying to muster up some kind of appreciation and I’m howling the entire time. My mom told him to keep reading. He finished the paragraph about serving the Lord and then got to the next paragraph: “This is a fake mission call created by your brilliant sister Michelle who has your REAL mission call in her possession. Please remember that inflicting any kind of pain on her is not Christ Like.” The look of hope in his eyes, was priceless. I handed him his real mission call. Gulp. “Dear Elder Bird: You are herby called to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Sierra Leone Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 24 months. You should report to the Missionary Training Center in Ghana on Friday August 29, 2008." HUGE CHEERS!! Ryan is going to Africa, folks. Speaking English. LOL. I’m a bit nervous about this but I will save my rant for later and just be proud of Ryan. When doing his interview with the Stake President, Ryan was asked what he couldn’t live without for two years and his response was, “running water.” I laugh and laugh and laugh.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Ten Random Factoids about Michelle plus 2 B sides for the fans!

You may or may not know...

1. I would sell the farm for 30 seconds with Clive Owen. That man is the epitome of sexy to me. I see him and I just want to purr. My loins completely burn for him. Hurts so good! just look at him...he is teasing me.

2. I have a fake belly button. (no, really!)

3. I am a crybaby. That's right, I have been accused of crying at grocery store openings. I see a dead duck in the street, I cry. I see Pampers on sale, I cry. I fall in love...and out, I cry. You get the picture.

4. I have a VERY unhealthy relationship with food. Some might call it my alcohol. I gain and lose 25 lbs every year. At present, I'm on the gain train...that 3rd chin is coming in so nicely. I finally hired someone to help me understand how to be healthy with food and not use diets but use balance in eating and incorporating weight training...but that sure didn't stop me from downing my mothers brownies and rice krispie treats tonight. Chris Farley in Gap girls comes to mind.."LAY OFF I'M STARVING!" Ugh.

5. I met one of my best friends while dating her ex-husband and then later on dating her new husbands cousin unknowingly. Clearly neither worked out. I can't decide on who the common denominator is, me or her. Curious.

6. I have seen U2 a whopping 28 times. Yes, my experiences were worth EVERY penny spent. I have been all over the world and have had some pretty incredible experiences with the band themselves. My favorite? Definiately Bono holding my hand and singing With Or Without You to me at two (thats right baby) TWO different concerts. Washington D.C. and London. Sorry I do like to revisit that moment at times. Sure it bores the rest of you.

7. I have performed the Heimlich Manuever on someone at a wedding. This was very recently and I cried like a baby afterwords (were you really surprised?) I'm pleased to report that I was in fact able to dislodge the gum she was choking on and she was fine after a few minutes. I on the other hand was a mess. A relieved mess. The worst feeling in the world is when you think to yourself, "I can't help this person, they're about to pass out and die." I hope I never have to do it again.

8. I have really, really bad luck and really, really good luck. There's never a happy medium...it's either one extreme or the other.

9. My friends have named the world I live in 'Moshipotamia' hence the name of the blog. Weird things that happen to the common folk are my everyday.

10. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't talk to my mother and Britta.


11. I talk to my dogs Bruno & Bianca--both chocolate labs. Scary I know, but they know what I'm saying. My favorite part of the day is when I come home and they go bizerk with excitement for my hugs. I tell them I missed them and kiss their little faces.

12. I hate home ownership. It's brilliant financially, but holy cow it's too much work for one person. My poor back yard is something resembling Sanford and Son. Between school and two jobs, I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. Ugh.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Beautiful People?

So, we are in Athens right now LOVING every second. The first day was rough as we were adjusting to the time difference (9 hours ahead of Utah)I found this quaint little Hotel in the heart of all the hussle and bustle and near the Acropolis. Here is a great view from the roof of our hotel...

We got in, tried to stay awake as long as we can and went to a little cafe where we were served a 4 cheese, tomato crepe type lunch. Interesting, but very good. We lasted until about 3:30 but unfortunately, your first day dealing with the difference in time is like trying to wake up from anethesia. Very difficult to function. We napped until about 9 and then got up and headed out to make some friends. We are in the SoHo type part of Athens. Very cool, gorgeous people. We found a cute outdoor cafe for dinner and then went to mingle. I'm so not kidding when I say we stick out like square thumbs. Probably the two blondes, gorgeous Asian and the Amazon. Lots of people asking us where we're from. I got suckered into buying this Boutainierre(the flower thing that guys wear to prom) from this darling little boy who was speaking choppy English to me and he handed it to me then he wouldn't take it back. I gave him a Euro for it. I apparently have SUCKER written on my forehead. The best part of the night was walking through the crowds and this guy stopped me and asked me where I was from and went on to tell me that he wanted to massage me and that I looked like Marilyn Manson. I told him if he ever wanted to get somewhere with a girl to NEVER say that again. He said it was my eyes. I've attached a picture to remind you all what his eyes actually look like. GREEK DOUCHE. He told me it was a compliment that I have rare eyes...blah blah blah.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


It's finally here. Tomorrow is the day. The excitement is so overwhelming, I can barely breathe. I'll probably be lying on one of these rooftops nude very soon. Okay I just threw up a little in my mouth--I couldn't help it. See you soon!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Burdensome Broccoli or The New Wingman?

Tonight started out good..a few of us went to Kate the Great's bachelorette party and ate dinner,played games, had girl talk, etc. For some reason, I was obsessed with the broccoli. I literallly could not get enough of it, and single handedly consumed the entire broccoli section of the veggie platter. I was even thinking how proud my trainer would be that I was eating large quantities of vegetables. Fast Forward to about 2 hours later...my sweet little Lorvis was depressed and so I suggested we go people watch at Habits (FYI--the cheesiest, most hilarious (pathetic) club in SLC) as we were driving there I started to get a little sick to my stomach...and kept getting this wicked broccoli after taste. Fast Forward again to the dance floor. At one point while we are dancing, Lowder makes a face and says "OH MY GOSH SOMEONE STINKS" I laughed because I wouldn't put it past the classy crowd there. Not too long after that, she notices it again. I am starting to realize, my indegestion/broccoli burps are the horrific smell Lowder is smelling. So I made a mental note to keep it in. After we stopped dancing for awhile, we decided to relax against a wall and people watch. Pretty soon, Rico Suave himself saunters up with his big collar shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button with his Magnum PI chest hair hanging out all over the place and tries to make friendly conversation with me. Apparently I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen at the club and he just had to come say hi. So I try to be friendly to him though I am far from interested and in the meantime, there is a war going on inside my stomach and I'm starting to sweat and not in the cutesy perspiration glow way...more like the I just ran a marathon and need a good shower kind of dripping sweat. Mr. Suave is trying his hardest to get my phone number, I'm trying my hardest to get away from him so I don't accidentally burp in his face and then it happened, he turned away to chat with his friend and I took the opportunity to quickly burp and relieve some of that building pressure...just as Mr. Suave turns back to talk to me. I am pretty sure that wiff of stale broccoli hit him in the face like a ton of bricks as made evident by the nauseated look on his face. He then turned to say goodnight and I was spared of him asking for my number. Broccoli proved to be a better wingman than my two friends. Gosh, I'm sick...

Friday, March 21, 2008

Small Victories

Though this isn't really blog worthy, I was quite pleased with myself for installing a new door knob. I'm not the best candidate for home ownership as I don't know how to do squat in the home improvement arena, nor do I have a husband that takes care of it all. I would like to thank my tough dyke toolbox for suprisingly having a
"5 prong thingy" ...what Bob Villa calls a Phillips Screwdriver. I am so proud of myself. I should go fix a drain pipe or something.

Monday, March 17, 2008

St. Patricks Day

Someone please help me understand the significance of kilts and bagpipes (all things Scottish) and how they relate to St. Patrick and his holiday (all things Irish)? Is this one of those arguments that Santa wasn't really present at Jesus' birth? Currently Confusion Prevails...

Sunday, March 16, 2008


I'm so *blessed* to have them.

Britta, I was going to say I am blessed to have you as a friend until you gave me douche for my birthday.

Ladies, you made my birthday wonderful. XO

Friday, March 14, 2008

30, Flirty and Thriving? er...

On the eve of my 30th birthday, I felt the need to jot down thoughts about turning
30. Until this week, I've been a big proponent of the 30's until I read some stupid fact about women and calcium. Then panic set in. Why this sudden need to re-evaluate my life and health not to mention feel inferior about what I haven't yet
accomplished. Where is the "30's for Dummies" book when I need it?

In two days, I will officially be closer to 40 than 20.

In only a few short years, I'll be expected to get regular mammograms!

I heard I may have a prime but I'm no closer to being able to abuse it.

U2 is one of those old people bands! Remember when you knew old people who LOVED the Grateful Dead or the Stones and you never understood the appeal and just dismissed it as old people music? The girls at my school think U2 are old school nor do they know who Huey Lewis is. Kill me.

People also feel sorry for me because I'm not married yet. As if being single is not by my own choice or that I'm desperately seeking spouse. This is not the case. Then there are the dip wads that use "You can always be like Sheri Dew" to them I say, bite me. I would corrupt the youth of today.

So, while I am in the middle of my quarter life crisis, I decided to try and see the half full side of things and admittedly, have so much to be grateful for. I have the most amazing and supportive friends and family that anyone could ever ask for. I have two puppies that I can't imagine my life without, I have incredible taste in music which is something not everyone is blessed with. I have a roof over my head, a job that allows me to pursue my passions of concerts and traveling. I have a body that serves me well. Though I am not to my goal weight or size, I am very healthy and glad to finally know that people love me for who's inside and how I make them feel and not my pant size. I have a zest for life and love to surround myself with people who feel the same.

Am I making the most of this journey? Hell yes.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Why It Sucks To Be One Of My Best Friends...

You have to let me do your hair and still like me if it sucks.

That's What Friends Are For?

One night while talking with friends, the subject of my upcoming 30th birthday was brought up. Am I nervous to be 30? Am I going on a big vacation? What do I think should change in my 30's, etc. One friend suggested a total lifestyle makeover. It was suggested by Lori that I become a lesbian in my 30's.
The picture following was her selling point.

Thanks Lori. I think I'll pass. For now...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

How A Heinous Synthetic Shoe Conquered the World

I have to get something off my chest. I can't believe I live in a world where wearing crocs is socially acceptable. They remind me of the orthopedic shoes one of my friends was told to wear by her podiatrist. When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common and furthermore know that we could never be friends. When buying shoes, there are three things to consider: style, price, and quality. Some shoes are cheap, while others are durable and stylish-- Crocs have the rare combination of being expensive, poorly made and ugly.

Crocs come in every color imaginable yet manage to look horrible with everything and on everyone --I will give the kids a break because they didn't know any better and to the parents who bought them, you should be reported for child abuse.

Somewhere in China, the creator of Crocs is high-fiving himself and laughing all the way to the bank. What a feat to suck this badly Croc! You are having the last laugh indeed.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Visual Orgasm

No, I'm not talking about anything kinky sicko, I'm talking about the release of U23D!! Though I was not lucky enough to attend the Sundance premiere in Park City, I was able to secure seats at the Salt Lake premiere of the flick. While I would never trade a live U2 show for anything, let me tell you why this was a better U2 experience.

First off, no queing all day.

Second, no stress as to whether or not I'm going to make it in the heart by random lotto which leads me into my third rant, not having to sneak yourself and 20 of your closest friends into the heart with you.

Next, there is no 7'3" Bryan Packer standing in front of you blocking your view of Bono and thinking he's hilarious!

Then there is the douche bag me who makes a huge sign that stupid Bono doesn't even understand. Sofa King Hot! I get it..why can't he?

Then there is genius Britta who for some reason thinks I am the black chick dancing with Bono. I digress.

Of course, U2 are consummate performers, and the entire performance is orchestrated to move along more like a theatrical performance than a traditional set-list of songs. Between Bono's sexy voice, Adam's bass that makes me feel like a natural woman, Larry's hypnotic drums and Edge's aggressive guitar...I am in Rock n' Roll Ecstacy. I may need a cigarette.

Monday, January 21, 2008

My Dear Sweet Chad 1975 ~ 2008

I'm sorry I didn't respond to your email immediately...when I felt I should. I hate the regret in my heart.
I will never forget our voodoo doll shenanigans, our promise of having a baby together at 35, reading He's Just Not That Into You and your wonderful heart. I'm sorry I can't have one more hug to bring this ache some comfort. I will never forget you. I love you and miss you immensely.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

"You're such a cute girl, why is it you aren't married yet?"

In response to the age old question as to why I'm still single...allow me to finally give some insight to those that tell me I'm too "picky"

Friday, January 11, 2008

Get Outta My Dreams, And Into My Car

After weeks of praying that gas prices would drop, I finally gave up and decided to trade in my gas guzzling SUV. So I bought a new compact, gas friendlier car and remembered why I stopped driving a stick shift 10 years ago. I suck. Time hasn't changed, I still suck and am continually reminded of that each time I attempt to get her out of first gear.

For anyone who's ever gone through the process of buying a new vehicle, you understand when I say !@#$%$!@#$%*$ truly these car salesman are the dreggs of society, and quite frankly a bunch of aholes.

My experience with the sales jerks reminded of an excerpt from my year book by Ms. Congdon in high school that said, "Michelle, you are incredible. So much zest for life and a complete con artist. I know you'll end up selling used cars one day and I'll be stupid enough to buy one from you. I shall never forget you, though I will try."