Thursday, January 31, 2008

Why It Sucks To Be One Of My Best Friends...

You have to let me do your hair and still like me if it sucks.

That's What Friends Are For?

One night while talking with friends, the subject of my upcoming 30th birthday was brought up. Am I nervous to be 30? Am I going on a big vacation? What do I think should change in my 30's, etc. One friend suggested a total lifestyle makeover. It was suggested by Lori that I become a lesbian in my 30's.
The picture following was her selling point.

Thanks Lori. I think I'll pass. For now...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

How A Heinous Synthetic Shoe Conquered the World

I have to get something off my chest. I can't believe I live in a world where wearing crocs is socially acceptable. They remind me of the orthopedic shoes one of my friends was told to wear by her podiatrist. When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common and furthermore know that we could never be friends. When buying shoes, there are three things to consider: style, price, and quality. Some shoes are cheap, while others are durable and stylish-- Crocs have the rare combination of being expensive, poorly made and ugly.

Crocs come in every color imaginable yet manage to look horrible with everything and on everyone --I will give the kids a break because they didn't know any better and to the parents who bought them, you should be reported for child abuse.

Somewhere in China, the creator of Crocs is high-fiving himself and laughing all the way to the bank. What a feat to suck this badly Croc! You are having the last laugh indeed.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Visual Orgasm

No, I'm not talking about anything kinky sicko, I'm talking about the release of U23D!! Though I was not lucky enough to attend the Sundance premiere in Park City, I was able to secure seats at the Salt Lake premiere of the flick. While I would never trade a live U2 show for anything, let me tell you why this was a better U2 experience.

First off, no queing all day.

Second, no stress as to whether or not I'm going to make it in the heart by random lotto which leads me into my third rant, not having to sneak yourself and 20 of your closest friends into the heart with you.

Next, there is no 7'3" Bryan Packer standing in front of you blocking your view of Bono and thinking he's hilarious!

Then there is the douche bag me who makes a huge sign that stupid Bono doesn't even understand. Sofa King Hot! I get it..why can't he?

Then there is genius Britta who for some reason thinks I am the black chick dancing with Bono. I digress.

Of course, U2 are consummate performers, and the entire performance is orchestrated to move along more like a theatrical performance than a traditional set-list of songs. Between Bono's sexy voice, Adam's bass that makes me feel like a natural woman, Larry's hypnotic drums and Edge's aggressive guitar...I am in Rock n' Roll Ecstacy. I may need a cigarette.

Monday, January 21, 2008

My Dear Sweet Chad 1975 ~ 2008

I'm sorry I didn't respond to your email immediately...when I felt I should. I hate the regret in my heart.
I will never forget our voodoo doll shenanigans, our promise of having a baby together at 35, reading He's Just Not That Into You and your wonderful heart. I'm sorry I can't have one more hug to bring this ache some comfort. I will never forget you. I love you and miss you immensely.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

"You're such a cute girl, why is it you aren't married yet?"

In response to the age old question as to why I'm still single...allow me to finally give some insight to those that tell me I'm too "picky"

Friday, January 11, 2008

Get Outta My Dreams, And Into My Car

After weeks of praying that gas prices would drop, I finally gave up and decided to trade in my gas guzzling SUV. So I bought a new compact, gas friendlier car and remembered why I stopped driving a stick shift 10 years ago. I suck. Time hasn't changed, I still suck and am continually reminded of that each time I attempt to get her out of first gear.

For anyone who's ever gone through the process of buying a new vehicle, you understand when I say !@#$%$!@#$%*$ truly these car salesman are the dreggs of society, and quite frankly a bunch of aholes.

My experience with the sales jerks reminded of an excerpt from my year book by Ms. Congdon in high school that said, "Michelle, you are incredible. So much zest for life and a complete con artist. I know you'll end up selling used cars one day and I'll be stupid enough to buy one from you. I shall never forget you, though I will try."