Friday, May 23, 2008

The War Zone

4 AM: I awoke to a lovely sound. The sound of my dog having an attack of explosive diarrhea. IN MY BEDROOM. I immediately shot straight up as there is no sleep deep enough to hide that sound and was immediately hit with possibly the worst smell on this planet. Bianca was Rambo with a different kind of gun. Bruno, feeling like he’s under attack, jumps on my bed as we both hear more attacks from down below. I jump off the bed in a desperate attempt to get the armed assailant outside, only to step into a nice warm pile of disgustingness.

!$@#%*&. <---- CENSORED

I flipped on the light and discovered she’d not only turned the wall into something that resembles paint splatter, but my carpet was now polka dotted as well. I hop back to the bathroom to hurry and clean my foot, while Bianca's rampage is still going strong. Bruno won’t come off the bed. I get the pup outside and start grabbing the cleaning supplies. Funny, I could’ve SWORE I bought a new bottle of stain remover. I’ve got nothing. At this point It’s laughable. I clean up the mess but the atrocious smell is looming…so I found the best thing I could to mask it. Pledge.

Bianca, why oh WHY do you wake me for number one but heaven forbid you keep quiet for this?

I love my dogs, I love my dogs…

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Cruise

Was great. I'll leave out the details EXCEPT the part where Dad snored like a beast for 4 nights. After two sleepless nights, my sister and I finally smartened up. Forget the fact that it was only 45 degrees and the wind was blowing out of control. This was childs play compared to what Dad was offering. Chantel and I braved the torentual cold and wind at a desperate attempt to sleep and went on the Lido Deck--blankets in hand. Apparently my little bro thought this was hilarious so he snuck up on deck to capture the moment.

Yes, it was freezing.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


I need them. I'm about to embark on a 5 day Cruise with my family to Cabo. Why prayers? We just found out the cruise line screwed up our reservation and have put all FIVE of us in the same room. We were supposed to be in two rooms. Unfortunately, the ship is booked solid. We have zero options. Five adults in one room is not good under ANY circumstances, let alone a disfunctional family. This has disaster written all over it. Have I begged you to pray for me yet?

Sunday, May 4, 2008


Today was one of those days...

I was in a rush to get out of my car and hurry away and all of a sudden my car is rolling down the frigging ever so slight incline. SSSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIZZZZ! Imagine this douche running after her rolling car in stilletos. Insert people's laughs, my unmentionable swear words and a near broken ankle. Lift emergency brake. Cower my head and make no eye contact. Emergency brake genius. Emergency brake.

Back at home, decide to let the dogs out in the front yard while I ride my bike in front of the house. Bruno shimmies out of his chain and books it. Bianca, my half wit, takes off with him. Thank heaven I'm on the bike this time. I'm notorious in the neighborhood for always chasing after my dogs. I kept up with them for awhile and at one point jump off the bike and catch Bianca while Bruno is born free. Nice neighbor guy offers up his dog leash so I can get Bianca home. Bianca and I start towards home but she's not quite sure how to run next to the bike. Next thing I know, I'm airbourne and then planted on the ground. My cute basket is ruined and I think I encourage Bianca to go run onto a busy road BUT at least there's no blood. Get dog 1 home and then start the search for the 2nd. Finally get him home.

No food in my house. Ah...I hear the grocery store calling my name. I spent an hour at the store with my basket filled. Then I start to get emotional and feeling sorry for myself. I ditched the basket and came ants in my kitchen.